Today was an Airport day…not a very good one as it turns out but I went in with a set list that was written to be strictly adhered to…and I did, thinking I would get some recognition and by virtue of that, greenbacks floating in the tip jar.

Made $8. But I only stayed an hour having to sit with a crowd of indifferent people. My focus is to play each song and end it. Pause. Not do the rambling, off the cuff improve that I do at home, which leads to a solid song most or some of the time. No here, I am trying to perform my music.

It’s not well received. It’s like I am not even there. Most just cut a glance at me as they walk by on their way to the TSA screeners. There are people sitting around me who do not applaud when I finish or stop talking as I play and then finish to which they just continue. There was also a group of young outward bound folks who I think were waiting for arrivals and within 5-7 feet of the piano maintain a conversation between six of them, which I was doing my vest to ignore since I am not going to tell them to please shut the fuck up.

And it could be that I am just not that good a musician, a piano player. And I don’t really know the answer to that question since I am in the bubble and cannot say. I sincerely believe that my music comes from years of dedication and creativity that does not try to fit into a perspective.

Which is the lead in for this post, not that I had a disappointing day. Musically, that performance was recorded and is here.

But I have always been transfixed to the work of William Blake. And I picked up a little book about him, “William Blake Now: Why He Matters More Than Ever” by John Higgs. Very cool and interesting in what he says but there is one chapter heading that caught my attention.

“Chapter 6. On Being Remembered. To artist, William Blake can be something like a double edge sword. Like Van Gogh, he is a universally recognized genius who was entirely dismissed in his own time. This makes him a powerful archetype. It can give artists encouragement to keep working during periods when they receive little encouragement. It can, however, be used as an excuse. The danger is that artists might not hone their work to the point that it communicates to others, in the belief that their singular genius will be recognized after they die. It is true that the act of creating something is valid and rewarding regardless of the audience awaiting it, but it also true that work needs to affect others if it is to be considered truly great.”

To be honest, I do not and have not planned an outlet for my music. I don’t really know how. When I seriously started creating songs in 2009, I did so without any regard as to where it would land in public. I still do not know where or how they should land. I have honed some of my ‘expressions’ into named tunes that have a structure that has been anchored with lyrics, and I have played some of them at the White Horse in Black Mountain and at the Asheville Airport. and I go through the motions of trying to “sell” some of it through Bandcamp, but I am lost when it comes to how to do any of it.

I am not even sure if it is any good. Except that when I first started at the Airport, playing for tips in June of 2022, on a couple of weekends I garnished more than $100 bucks in tips, sometimes raking in $60-$80 when it didn’t come in at $100. Now, this summer, from May through July I averaged $27 a performance which is a two hour stint. Some of the difference is strictly a numbers game: the more people that hear me, the more chances I am appreciated. But the success of my $100 gigs brought me to the fact that maybe I have not been as attentive as I should be to my talents. Maybe all those years from 2009 to the present of recording at home, playing relentlessly and embellishing my style of play was about to pay off.

And then I come to this summer when the best weekend I had as a $79 gig and yesterday saw me leaving after an hour with $8. And I am playing for people who mostly ignore me. People are sitting right next to me in the waiting room lobby and they have no exchange with me at all. I have a style of play that allows me to sit down and make it up…I have stopped doing that thinking that was not conducive and have come to the piano with a set list and a start and stop point. I end the song. I started yesterday with Decca’s Dance, a little rag piece in four parts which has a stride left hand and I ended it with vacant stares and no applause. Throughout the hour, there was also a group of young outward bound types all standing and talking 5 feet behind me. Not only did I have to ignore them as I played, but then I come to the end to realize they are in fact, ignoring me.

I don’t know what it is. I have centered my existence on being a creative piano player. I think my Bandcamp website shows the veracity and depth of my work. It is not chromatic jazz. It is ballad inspired with the thread of the melody changing within the song multiple times. Most of what I have recorded and labeled was captured in a moment of intense creativity and was not ‘honed’ as suggested above. Some of it has been set to lyrics and yes, those have been ‘honed’ and the words are just as unique as my tunes and which I am very proud of. The difficulty is in the performance and the singing quality. The song structure is secure and the message in the lyrics is strong but my introverted personality does not project.

It is this I am trying to address at the White Horse open mic night. And of course, at the Airport where I don’t sing but do play with a dedicated beginning and ending to each song. Which is why I am hesitant to give up the Airport gig, despite playing to mostly indifference but sometimes a generous $20 tip will float into the jar.